It's been a while since I've done one of these, but hell, it's Eurovision. It needs to be done.

I applaud the BBC for setting the tone early. Pro-celebrity ballroom dancing? As a peak time show? Are they on fucking crack? Never seen National Lottery: In It To Win It either, but I'm sure it's crap. After all, it's hosted by Dale Winton, and it's a National Lottery tie-in show.

God, this show sucks. It's another of those dreadful, overcomplicated gameshows the BBC keeps commissioning for this slot. Why do they bother with this drivel? Just do the damn draw and show a blank screen for the rest of the hour. Wow, even that contestant looks bored out of his mind. And he's thick to boot. "Faliraki is a resort on which Mediterranean island?" "Istanbul." "Are you SURE, John?" "No, hold on, that doesn't sound right. Ankara."

2000: And we are LIVE from Istanbul. Here's the obligatory tourist video about how lovely Turkey is. Look, we have skyscrapers and castles! Please let us into the European Union! Pleeeease! Terry tells us that the Turkish prime minister is in the house.

Here's last year's winner, to remind us why we're in Turkey. That is not a flattering costume. It appears to be hand-spun from the finest nylon. Mind you, it was quite a good little song, by Eurovision standards. Ah, here's some ethnic men to stand in the background and be Turkish, while she makes a bid for opera stardom.

This year, I'm trying the BBC's Eurovision Interactive thing rather than the Ceefax subtitles, by the way. If it's crap, I can always go back to teletext. Why is she doing this shrieky stuff? This wasn't in last year's song. Is she doing a medley with her new single or something?

2006: Here's our hosts. Fuck me, it's Bela Lugosi. I'd tell you their names, but quite honestly, they're awfully Turkish and I can't even pronounce them, let alone spell them. Terry talks over them, because we all know full well nobody cares what they're going to say. Oh hell, they're enlisting the audience in a rendition of "Volare." Terry: "What is wrong with saying hello, good evening and welcome, let's start the show?"

1. SPAIN. Ramon - "Para Llenarme De Ti" Hey, bilingual subtitles! Fantastic! Well done, BBCi. There's a man at the back with some drums strapped to him, and two backing dancers who look like a young, gay Julio Iglesias. Yes, both of them. "Now I became empty only to be filled of you." Is that REALLY the translation? Not "filled with you"? They keep saying "filled of you", so I suppose they must mean it... Anyhow, it's a bit Latin, and he's a pleasant-looking chap. Not very catchy. It's alright, I suppose. Terry observes that the Spanish actually make perfectly normal pop music for domestic consumption, but insist on entering flamenco records.

2. AUSTRIA. The Break - "Du Bist." Terry: "An all-too-brief respite from the pole-dancing." Christ, the one with the red hair's a bit rough. Anyway, it's pretty obvious what we're dealing with here. This is an Austrian Westlife, and it's a slow ballad. Sung in German. This isn't going to win. 90% of the audience won't understand the words ("I'll cry for you the tears"? Who's translating this?). They're not exactly brilliant singers, either. They can hold a tune but I'm not convinced it's this particular tune. "You are the love that I breathe." Does that actually make sense? Perfectly okay boy band material, anyway. Which is another way of saying it sucks.

3. NORWAY. Knut Anders Sorum - "High". Norwegian MOR. Knut is doing his best to look passionate while wearing a worryingly shiny suit. "I just wanna open your closing mind," says Knut. Didn't this win the semi-finals on Wednesday? It's crap, but it's the sort of power ballad that tends to do quite well in Eurovision. Dreadful, but a definite contender.

4. FRANCE. "A Chaque Pas." Didn't catch the name of the singer. This is written by two English people. I thought that wasn't allowed? Doesn't the songwriter have to come from the country in question? Well, perhaps they're naturalised French citizens. I don't know. Terry: "Don't worry about the baldy woman on stilts." And indeed, the Fench balladeer is accompanied by a woman on stilts in a ballgown. Why? God knows. Anyway, this is one of those Eurovision ballads about how we should all hug one another and have a bit more peace in the world. "The child in us will find the way." Shameless bid for votes, as the song shifts into Spanish for a few lines at the end. Utterly formulaic, but with a good enough chorus to get some votes.

5. SERBIA & MONTENEGRO. Zeljko Jokzimovic and the Ad Hoc Orchestra - "Lane Moje". Well, he's called something like that, anyway. Here's a bearded flautist. Lyrics: "I bite my bruised lips, trying to forget the real pain." Yes, it's another Eastern European classic. It's taking itself awfully seriously. Not usually a good idea in Eurovsion. Nice violin solo, though. It's better when he shuts his mouth. This isn't going to win in a million years. Too slow, too depressing, too ethnic.

6. MALTA. Julie & Ludwig - "On Again Off Again". Malta often punch above their weight in this competition. Terry talks over the opening lines. When he shuts up, I wish he hasn't. Wow, this sucks. It's a Eurodisco track with a female pop singer and a man who's trying to be operatic, but just looks like Tony Ferrino. This is absolutely diabolical. "On again, off again / Like the rhythm of rain / We need to decide / Find an end to this game." Please, please do. Why is there never a sniper rifle to hand when you need one?

7. THE NETHERLANDS. Re-Union - "Without You" The Dutch are perfectly capable of producing good pop records, but they certainly don't enter them for Eurovision. Ah, it's an acoustic guitar ballad with finger-clicky rhythms. This is incredibly cheesy, but it's actually okay. It's a genre nobody else is likely to try, as well, so it could corner a lot of votes. I quite liked that one. Well done, Dutch people. Terry: "29 years since the Netherlands have won this contest. Make that 30."

8. GERMANY. Max - "Can't Wait Until Tonight". This is another song written by Stefan Raab, who plagued Eurovision with German novelty comedy songs several years running. This time round, Stefan is doing it properly. Max has a combover! Is this an anti-fashion statement, or is he just blind? Terry compares the song to Jamie Cullum, and that's about right. Oh, he's got a monobrow as well. And his microphone obscures a goatee. Max tries the loud high note and botches it entirely. Maybe this IS a joke on Stefan's part? Blech. Terry praises it for trying something different, which is somewhat justified.

9. ALBANIA. Anjeza Shahini - "The Image of You". Welcome to Europe, Albania! This is their first year in the contest. None of this high-budget stuff for Albania, as we get a woman with some backing singers. The video for this is remarkably cheap, by the way, even by eastern European standards. This is the sort of shiny pop anthem which used to dominate Eurovision in the late 1980s. She's not singing the verses all that well, but the chorus is actually quite catchy. It's never going to win, but I'm sure it'll pick up a few old-school votes - if they can look past the slightly ropey singing.

10. THE UKRAINE. Ruslana - "Wild Dances". My girl! I'm cheering for the Ukraine. At last some proper showmanship! As Terry says, it's Xena: Warrior Princess! Belting vocals! Nonsense lyrics! Come on, this pisses on everything else we've heard so far! Kiev in 2005! The more I hear this song, the more I love it. If this is what passes for pop music in the Ukraine, more power to them. The crowd goes wild. Damn right.

11. CROATIA. Ivan Mikulic - "You Are The Only One". Back to the balladry. I'm bored already. This has been number one in Croatia for several weeks. It's another generic love song and it's middling in every respect.

12. BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA. Deen - "In The Disco". Nice animated city on the set. "I'm lying, I'm late / I'm losing my weight / Because I want to dance all night / Because I want to stay all night / In the disco / In the disco." Uh... right. This is clearly straight from the burgeoning Bosnian gay scene. They've even nicked the bassline from Donna Summer. Strangely, nobody's told them that it's traditional to write the choruses of these songs in major keys. Kind of weird and, very much against my better judgment, I rather like it.

Commercial break - for parts of Europe. So here are the vampires to fill time for the rest of Europe. 20,000 people are on the streets of Hamburg to watch the show. See, they're just the same as us. They cut to the woman in Istanbul, and nobody cues her, so she stands there picking her nose instead. Fantastic! Terry cracks up while trying to give us the phone numbers.

13. BELGIUM. Xandee - "1 Life". Apparently this is hotly tipped. It's off to quite a good start. Ah, it's dance music. Segueing into a plea-for-unity anthem. Or is it a love song? I'm not quite sure. The "brother and sister" stuff is a little odd if it's meant to be a love song. Well, perhaps it's all-purpose. I can see why it's tipped. The lyrics are dreadful, but it's okay on the whole. A bit corny, but not at all bad.

14. RUSSIA. Julia Savicheva - "Believe Me". Julia looks a little bit like Avril Lavigne, and is surrounded by half-naked men in multicoloured body paint. The red one has rubbed off on her arm, making her look either bruised or burnt. Not sure about this one. It's got quite a nice tune, and Terry says it was performed as an acoustic guitar ballad in the Russian national contest. It may well have suffered from a bad arrangement and a questionable translation. There's something curiously likeable about it.

15. MACEDONIA - sorry, THE FORMER YUGOSLAV REPUBLIC OF MACEDONIA. Tose Proeski - "Life" Eurovision is always keen on Life. Tose allows himself to be groped by some mimes, and wails about his misery and mental illness. What a strange chorus. What time signature is this in? This is not going to do well. I kind of like it, but it's not a Eurovision song.

16. GREECE. Sakis Rouvas - "Shake It." This is the co-favourite, along with the Fantastic Ukrainian Song. This guy is apparently a huge star in Greece. It's a decent enough pop song, but it just doesn't have the sheer "What The Fuck" factor of the Ukrainian single. The official lyric translation ends the first verse with seven consecutive exclamation marks. Hmm. This is just a bit too corny. But it's certainly the sort of thing that could go down very well in Eurovision. Ah, and the girls have just started taking their clothesoff. Always worth a few votes. I'm sticking with the Ukrainian lass, though.

17. ICELAND. Jonsi - "Heaven". Oh dear, it's an Icelandic Gary Barlow. Sometimes Iceland enter songs that are incredibly weird - we all have fond memories of the song about phone sex where a man sat on a sofa and was fondled by leather vixens for five minutes. But this is not one of those years. "This journey I must take all along." See you in the semi-finals next year, Iceland. "Oh, to unveil my heart when you kiss me goodbye." What? What? Blech. I say again, Blech.

18. IRELAND. Chris Doran - "If My World Stopped Turning". This is co-written by Bryan McFadden from Westlife. In tribute, Chris is wearing a jacket which was rejected as slightly too crap by Westlife's wardrobe department. Of course, Westlife's hits were all with cover versions - the one song they actually wrote, "Hey Whatever", was their smallest hit by a wide margin. Then again, we have to remember that the last thing RTE want is to actually win the contest. It nearly bankrupted them in the nineties. This is nowhere near as good as "My Lovely Horse", so mission accomplished. You'll note that even Bryan McFadden, who wrote it, won't stoop low enough to actually perform the thing.

19. POLAND. Blue Cafe - "Love Song". Well, the whole lot of them should be arrested by the fashion police. Other than that, it's basically on the level of a Sade b-side. Not unlistenable, but you do kind of want it to stop.

20. UNITED KINGDOM. James Fox - "Hold On To Our Love". A middling chorus that sounds like it ought to be a tribute to Jesus, and aching stretches of tedium covering the rest of the song. Didn't like James Fox on Fame Academy, don't like him now. I'm pledging allegiance to the Ukraine for the night. Mind you, at least he can actually sing live. More than some of this bunch can.

21. CYPRUS. Lisa Andreas - "Stronger Every Minute". Cyprus should enter a double A-side. Halfway through, they could all run off and be replaced by people from the other half of the island doing a completely different song. Lisa is a schoolgirl from Kent, but her mother's from Cyprus, and that'll do for them. Terry likes this song, but he's wrong. It's dull as hell. It's the sort of plaintive ballad that female leads sing near the end of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, to give you a chance to visit to the toilet before the finale.

22. TURKEY. Athena - "For Real". Er, fucking hell. They're a Turkish ska-punk band. Seriously. They REALLY ARE. Their lead singer has a ginger crewcut and is wearing tartan trousers. This is rather good. A brave choice from the Turkish voters. I'm really rather enjoying this. Who knows, this could be a global breakthrough for the previously unnoticed Turkish ska scene. Terry is baffled.

23. ROMANIA. Sanda - "I Admit". Imagine if the lead singer of A Flock Of Seagulls had a sex change and discovered leather. "I know that sometimes I am looking foolish." No kidding, love. This is one of those ex-Communist pop anthems that's just trying a bit too hard and misses the mark somewhat. Okay, I guess.

And finally... SWEDEN. Lena Philipsson - "It Hurts". Hits the button marked "anthem" in the first two seconds and then goes for the Europop arrangement. The Swedes know their Europop. This is quite good, in fact. Up until we reach the one-note chorus. We establish through the power of repetition that it does indeed hurt. Yes, it hurts. Oh, it hurts. Yes, it hurts. What choreographer thought it would be a good idea for her to reverse-straddle the mike stand? Bleh. This started off quite promising, but it's boring me now.

My predictions are unaltered. If the Ukraine don't win this one, it'll be a travesty. Those plucky ex-Communists have missed the point and entered a genuinely good record.

2144: Recap time. I take the opportunity to vote repeatedly for the Ukraine. Go Ukraine! Go Ukraine!

Meanwhile, a thrilling display of ethnic dancing is tremendously enlivened by a countdown clock in the bottom left hand corner, telling you how long it's going to run. Basically, it's a Turkish Riverdance. Later, the Turkish Bondage Dancing Police come on to reassure tourists that, whatever you may have read in the Lonely Planet Guide, there really is a thriving gay scene in Istanbul.

Tsk, the clock has reached zero and we're still going. Boo! Hiss!

2200: Last year's winner is in the green room. She interviews the Fabulous Ukrainian, who swiftly abandons trying to express herself in English and resorts to talking through her interpreter. The thrust is that she's very happy. Bizarre interlingual flirting with the German contingent follows.

Meet Svante Stockselius! He's the EBU voting scrutineer. No problems so far, he says. Well, that's because we haven't announced the votes yet.

All 36 countries are voting, including the ones that got knocked out in the semi-final. We're visiting them in alphabetical order. We could be here a while.

Hello, Andorra, who were eliminated in the semis. The scoreboard has little numbered hearts for each award of points. 8 for Greece. 10 for the Ukraine. And 12 for Spain. Politics! Politics, I cry! No points for the UK.

Albania. A man in a suit looks awkward and reads from a piece of paper. 7 for the Ukraine. Fairly high points for all their neighbours. 12 points for Greece. That puts Greece in the lead by five points, with the Ukrainians second.

Austria. Greece only get 2 - ouch. 4 for the Ukraine. 8 for the Turkish ska band! And maximum points to Serbia, who leap into the second place. Still no points for the UK - that'll be disappointing the BBC.

Bosnia & Herzegovina. Greece get 5. Ukraine get 6. Turkey move up to second with 7 points. And maximum points to Serbia, putting them into the lead. Good to know they've mended fences since the war.

Belgium. Is that a necklace or an instrument of torture? Only 3 points for Serbia. 5 for the Ukraine. The Netherlands break their duck with 6 points. 10 for France, duh. And 12 points for the Turkish ska bands! Brilliant! Turkey claims the lead.

Belarus. The Belarussian chap has splashed out on a shiny new tie. The UK breaks its duck with 1 point from Belarus. Only 3 for Turkey, though. The voting is all over the place this year. Ten for the Ukraine, putting her fourth and keeping her in contention. Twelve points to Russia, breaking their duck, and drawing massed boos from the live crowd.

Switzerland. In which language does "Switzerland" start with B? 4 for Greece. 8 for Turkey! 12 for Serbia. Nothing for the Ukraine - oh dear. But I could live with the weird Turkish act winning, just because it would be so absurd.

Serbia & Montenegro. Only two for Turkey. 7 for Greece. 10 for Ukraine - she's still in contention. Serbia are already in the lead and can't vote for themselves.

Cyprus. Terry reminds us that they always give 12 points to Greece. Romania get 3 points to break their duck. Only 4 for Turkey. Austria, Norway, Iceland and Ireland are still not off the blocks. 8 for the Ukraine, but 10 for Serbia, keeping them in the lead. Greece get 12, drawing anticipatory boos from the crowd.

Germany. They always give 12 points to Turkey. 6 for the Ukraine. 7 for Greece. Serbia get 10 and keep the lead. The Serbs and Greeks are pulling away. Turkey get twelve, which puts them third, a point ahead of the Ukraine.

I said Serbia were never going to win in a million years. Oops.

Denmark. Only 3 for Greece. 5 for the Ukraine, and 7 for Serbia. Turkey get 10! It's a breakthrough for Turkish ska! 12 points go to Sweden, who aren't even in contention.

Estonia. Only 1 for Serbia. They could lose the lead if Turkey or Greece do well. The United Kingdom finally gets its second vote, bringing the total to 5. Five points for Greece. The Ukraine get 12! Good old Estonia! I knew you had taste over there.

Spain. "I have been excited tonight," says the Spanish woman. Austria, Norway and Ireland still aren't off the blocks. Only two for Turkey. Only 6 for Turkey. 7 for Greece. Ukraine get 8, putting them jointly in the lead! I love you, Spain!

Finland. 5 for Turkey, who are starting to drop behind. 6 for Greece. 8 for the Ukraine, but 10 for Serbia, putting them in the lead by 2.

France. Only 2 for the Ukraine - uh-oh. Austria get 4 and break their duck. Just Norway and Ireland still on zero. 6 for Greece. 10 for Serbia, who hold the lead by an 8-point margin from the Ukraine. Full marks to Turkey. It's a four-horse race - Serbia, Ukraine, Greece and Turkey.

The United Kingdom. Hello, Lorraine Kelly! Only 3 points for the Serbs. 5 for the Ukraine. 6 for Turkey. Ireland finally break their duck with 7. 10 for Cyprus, because the singer was English. And 12 points to Greece, putting the Greeks up into second place.

Greece. They can't vote for themselves, so that could shake things up. 6 points to Turkey. 7 to the Ukraine, but 8 to Serbia. Ukraine are second, but nine points behind. Ten points to Albania? 12 to Cyprus! Fantastically corrupt.

Croatia. Hi, Zagreb! Only 3 for Turkey. 7 for Greece. 8 for Ukraine. Bet they give top marks to Serbia. And indeed they do. Serbia are now 13 points in the lead, and the Ukraine have still to vote (which guarantees a round where they score nil). It's looking good for the Serbs. Huh.

Ireland. I really want to know what language is being used for this to be "alphabetical order." Just 1 for Turkey. Only 3 for the Serbs - if they vote heavily on the Ukraine, you never know. 5 for Greece. 7 for the Ukraine. Well, they closed the gap.

Israel, because Israel is in Europe, honest. Only 2 for the Turks, who are dropping out of contention. 7 for Serbia. 10 for Greece. And maximum points to the Ukraine. Hurray! They know their music in Israel. The Ukraine's now only four points off the lead, but remember, Serbia's already voted.

Sixteen countries still to vote! Yeesh.

Iceland. 5 for Turkey. 6 for Turkey. 7 for Serbia. Ukraine get 12! Ukraine take the lead by one point! Yay!

Lithuania. Only 2 for Serbia. That could be useful - but I bet they give nothing to the Ukraine either. 3 for Turkey. 10 to Greece. 12 for the Ukraine! The Ukraine is pulling away!

Latvia. They give 2 points to Turkey and take the opportunity to slag off Turkey for failing to qualify for the World Cup. Don't build up your part, son. 5 for Serbia. 7 for Greece. 12 for the Ukraine! The Ukraine takes the lead by an eighteen-point margin! The Ukraine could actually win this! Go Ukraine! Go Ukraine! Go Ukraine!

Monaco. Only one point for the Serbs. It's going sour for them - all their neighbours have already cast their votes. 6 for the Ukraine, but that's enough to stretch the lead. Greece get 10 points to knock the Serbs into third, but they're still 15 points off the lead.

FYROM. These guys will vote heavily for Serbia. 7 for Greece. 8 for the Ukraine. 10 for Serbia. We're still 16 points ahead, with the Ukrainian votes still to be counted. This is winnable.

Malta. Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, who the hell thought orange was a good colour for that dress? Norway have yet to score, by the way. 8 for the Ukraine. 12 for Greece - they're only 12 points off the lead now.

The Netherlands. 6 for Greece, 7 for the Ukraine. 12 for Turkey!

Norway. "It is official for me to bring you greetings from all us here in Norway!" She's very perky for somebody whose country hasn't scored yet. Only 2 points for Greece. Ouch. 7 for the Ukraine, stretching the lead to 18 points over Greece. Serbia are three points further back, and everybody else is out of contention.

Poland. 5 for Serbia. 7 for Greece. 12 points "and this beautiful red heart" to the Ukraine. The Ukraine is 23 points in the lead. They're looking very excitable back in the green room. So they should be. Three days ago, most of the people who voted for them probably didn't even know the country had declared independence.

Portugal. 6 for Greece, 7 for Serbia, 10 for the Ukraine. Just six countries still to vote - one of them the Ukraine - and she's 27 points in the lead. She's really going to do it, isn't she?

Romania. Ooh, the Romanian girl is cute. 6 for the Ukraine. 8 for Serbia. 12 for Greece. That reduces the lead to 21 points. Five states to go.

Russia. The Russian woman starts off by reminding everyone how enormous and important Russia is. Slightly misjudging the tone of the event there. 7 for Greece. "Surprisingly enough, Turkey got 8 points." Wow, this woman's a complete bitch. I kind of like her. 10 for Serbia. 12 for the Ukraine. 26-point lead.

Four sets of votes to go. Sweden. The Swedish chap is dressed for a funeral. Is this irony? 4 for Greece, 10 for the Ukraine, 12 for Serbia. The Ukraine is 29 points in the lead over Serbia.

Slovenia. 6 for Greece. 8 for the Ukraine. 12 for Serbia. Closes the lead, but it's still 25 points.

Turkey. Oh, happy irony, the Ukraine will be the last to vote. It's probably going to be academic after these votes, though. 8 for Serbia. 10 for Greece. 12 for the Ukraine, and the Ukraine have won. They can't be caught.

The Ukraine are the last to vote, but it's academic. Oh, by the way, somebody gave 3 points to Norway along the way. 8 for Greece, 10 for Russia and 12 for Serbia. All meaningless. The Ukraine win the contest with a margin of 17 points, and the Ukrainian chap starts bouncing around his studio before they cut him off.

The Ukraine win! The Ukraine win! Hooray! Kiev in 2005! We get the Turkish equivalent of lift music while the Ukrainians gather their props and make their way back to the stage for the reprise. The hosts have to stall forever - in a second language - waiting for the Ukrainians to actually arrive on stage. Backstage, we see the remaining Ukrainian contingent cracking up at the chaos.

Ruslana and co finally make it to the stage and she kneels down to take a particularly overdramatic bow. Last year's winner comes onto the stage to present the prize and promptly gets her heel stuck in a metal grille. And it was all going so well. Ruslana accepts the cheap paperweight which passes for a trophy, doubtless well aware that the international exposure is worth a million times more to her.

Farewell message from the founder of the Turkish Republic (what?!?). He's in favour of peace.

The Ukrainians finally reprise their winning song. Fuck me, a good song has won the Eurovision Song Contest. When was the last time that happened? Dana International, I guess. But this is better. This is a genuinely good record. Fantastic.